Florence Nightingale (not!)

Dear Claire,

I’ve been dating a man now for two years, who I thought was perfect.  He’s good-looking with a good job, and quite passionate.  He has not asked me to marry him, but things seem to be moving that way.

Often times when we are together, he’s complained of a bad back.  Lately it’s been getting worse, and I just found out he has three vertebrae in his back that are slowly deteriorating to the point when he may be in a wheelchair in a few years.

I am 38 and he is 45.  I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life caring for somebody in a wheelchair.  On the other hand, everything else is okay.

Not a Caregiver

Dear Not,

Keep in mind that, as we all age, the odds that you’ll find someone who’s entirely problem-free get slimmer and slimmer.  Besides, it’s not certain he will end up in a wheelchair.

You need to weigh your feelings for this man against the possibility he might end up dependent on you.

If you feel that no matter how much this guy has to offer, you could never become his caregiver, then let him go.  He’s not what you need and, oh boy, you are not what he needs.

The Remains of the Day

Dear Claire,

My first child was colicky, and I was exhausted for months after the birth.  When I got pregnant the second time, my husband’s mother offered to come over from Norway to move in with us.  She was a great help with cooking, housekeeping and watched out for our three-year old.

Now it’s a nightmare for me.  I’ve gone back to work, and get home at 6pm each day.  She doesn’t seem to understand that I am the mother, not her.  She makes rules for the children that I don’t agree with, and tells them when to take a bath and go to bed.  I don’t have any say in what they eat, and when I want to play with my kids, she always gets in the way.  I don’t feel at home in my own household.

When I ask my husband to tell her to stop, he doesn’t intervene.

Displaced in Texas

Dear Displaced,

It seems that Mamma-in-law is good enough to wipe your kid’s noses during business hours, but she cannot fade in the woodwork as fast as you’d wish when you get home.

You cannot have it both ways, girlfriend.  This is Granny, not a servant that you can dismiss at the end of the day.  After caring for your household all day long, it may be hard for her to shift gears and become a guest in the evening.

Respectfully explain to her that she can have a rest when you come home.  If she insists on “helping”, think of a few tasks she can do without getting in your way.

She may not change her evil ways right off the bat, but keep insisting.  Firm but kind, kind but firm.  Old habits die hard.