Kids Stumble on Dad's
Secret Hobby
Dear Claire,
My husband and I have
been married 15 years. We are happily married and have a son and
daughter. My son invited his 4th grade classmate
Tommy over to play recently, and at one point, they asked to use my
husband’s computer to go on the internet.
At one point, I heard
the boys make some comments that made me suspicious, and so went
upstairs. They were a bit embarrassed, but on the screen were
several pictures of gay porn that were pretty graphic. They
explained that as they started to type in a particular web address,
this web address popped up so they clicked on it.
Claire, I’m not sure
what to do. My husband spends lots of time on the Internet before
he comes to bed, and I suspect he’s been looking at these sites.
Also, whenever I see Tommy’s mother after school, I try to avoid her
fearing that she knows. I feel so guilty that the kids saw these
awful pictures. What should I do?
Feeling Guilty in Bakersfield
Dear Guilty,
Your first concern must be the children. Make it clear to your
husband that this is never to happen again, ever. Also, he must
explain to his son that he ended up in that website himself by
mistake. It may not be the truth, but what else is he supposed to
say to a fourth grader? Inform the other mother so she can have the
opportunity to talk to her child about what he saw.
Secondly, check your computer for the websites he has been visiting.
If you don’t know how to do that yourself, ask a friend who is a
frequent internet user how to see the “history” of sites visited.
This will tell you what he’s interested in, and how strongly.
Examine other areas of your relationship, such as your sex life,
your closeness as a couple, your husband asking to borrow your
teddies, garters and lipstick, for example. If something is amiss,
it will show up somewhere else.
Running Ragged on Ritalin
Dear Claire,
When my son “Matt”
was in second grade he was diagnosed as having Attention Deficit
Disorder (ADD), and two years latter the school physiologist
recommended that he go on Ritalin to help him better focus in class.
That worked for a
while, but just after he turned 11, he started to become difficult
to handle again. He’s started fighting with his smaller brother and
sister, and seems into dominating them all the time. He also fights
back with me, and his grades are going downhill.
I’m divorced, and
concerned he’s becoming like his father, who is perpetually
unemployed and often abusive to his loved ones. What ideas can you
share?
Going Crazy with ADD
Dear Crazy,
The first step is to
see his doctor and get a referral for an ADD specialist. There are
many other drugs besides Ritalin, and a specialist will give you all
the options (expected results, potential side effects) and from
there you can decide if you want to try drug therapy or not.
Your next step should
be counseling for your child and your family. You said that the
father is abusive and I suspect that not all the trouble you
describe stems from ADD alone.
It’s a tough road, as
ADD affects the whole family, not only the child.
Good luck.
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