Eaten Alive

Dear Claire,

I have been married for five years and the majority of that time has not been happy. To start off, my husband has always been verbally abusive and tends to blame me for things... even for things that he has done.  I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him just so that he won't get mad at me.  We also have two daughters, one four years, and the other five months.  He rarely helps me with them and acts annoyed if I just ask him to hold the baby while I do something else.  It's like he's in his own little world, not to be bothered.

Worse, he can be very abusive to my toddler.  He will talk to her like she is an adult when she does something wrong by yelling at her with profanity.  He passes the line of discipline with her both verbally and physically.  He always seems to justify his actions, but I know what he does is wrong and hope he'll change.  I know he wants to change and that he's not happy with himself for the things he does.  We've been to marriage counseling, we’ve talked, I’ve even written letters.  But now I think for him to change, he needs to get some professional help.

Every once in a while he'll apologize for things he's done and even will tell me he is going to help me out more around the house.  He really does seem to be sincere too.  Then, things will go back to normal and he'll have a bad day and come home and be mean to me and the kids.

What makes this so difficult is that all of my family lives in Oregon and I am living in New York because my husband is in the military.  Recently I visited my family for Christmas and it was wonderful.  It is hard to say good-bye and this time was extremely difficult.  It got me to think.  I know that the only time I feel loved or happy is when I'm home with people who show me nothing but love and respect.

Would it be selfish of me to tell my husband that the only way we're going to make it is if he changes the way he is with me and the kids.  Or that we live closer to my family?  If I had my family's support nearby, it wouldn't be so hard being married to him because I would have somewhere else to go when he wants to be left alone.  My daughter seems to adapt to everything around her... even when her daddy’s mean to her, she still craves his attention.  This is why I don’t think us moving out on him would be the right choice for her and her sister.  I know I would be happier, but would they be?

Lost in New York

Dear Lost,

You listen to me, girlfriend, and listen to me tight.

The main ingredients in an abusive relationship are (a) someone who’s an abuser and (b) someone who consents.  If you were an adult on your own and you made a decision to be someone’s punch bag for the rest of your life, that’s your problem.  The case here is very different.  You are exposing children to physical, verbal and emotional abuse… young children who have NOT consented to being daddy’s punch bag.

If you have one drop of blood left in those feeble veins of yours, call your family, pack and go to them.

You have asked me if you should tell this or that to you hubby to get him to improve.  Listen, cupcake, I don’t give a rat’s patootie what you tell him.  Abusers don’t stop abusing just because you say some magic word.  His words and promises mean nothing, and I am willing to bet money he’ll not allow a move to Oregon because one the weapons of the abuser is isolation.

Have courage, sister, and do your children right.  Move, seek counseling for yourself and for them, and build your lives anew.

Please let me know how it turns out.