Dazed in a Maze
Dear
Claire,
It's
so nice to be able to write to you. I enjoy your column, especially
your fairness to both men and women.
My
relationship is a good one and I'm very happy. My boyfriend of one
year is a godsend, and we seem to click in so many ways. My entire
family adores him, and I’ve never laughed so hard with anyone.
Now
here's the BUT… BUT he is divorced (three years now), after being
married for 17 (he's 42, I'm 45). He has four kids, and his alimony
requires him to work an extra three evenings a week.
Also, he’s a sexaholic without the TLC that I would prefer. I guess
what I'm looking for is a real life mate and he's just a wild sex
machine. I don't blame him, but I also need a little more.
He’s the worst driver ever, and I’m scared for my life when he
drives.
When
we do get together, I sense that he's rather had it with the whole
‘marriage’ idea– bitter about the past and not in any rush to be
hitched again. I had never wanted to get married because I have
always felt it's so hard to find everything in one person… but
having met him, I do see how you can be with someONE. We’ve had a
great first few months together, but now I find myself “home alone”
a lot.
Claire, what do I do? Should I sit tight and hope our worlds mesh,
or do I set him free to date and go crazy? I still feel young, but
will be 50 soon.
Happy But Alone
Dear
Happy,
The
odds that any of us will ever find a mate that is total and
completely perfect are quite small. A guy doesn’t have to be
perfect; he just has to be perfect for YOU.
This
guy seems like an overall good man. He’s working extra-hard to
fulfill his duties as a father, was in a long-term marriage (a very
good sign) and, what’s more, you care for him. So, instead of
wondering if you should stick with him in the hopes of getting
married (which was not a priority for you in the past anyway), just
enjoy the romance.
It’s a
common myth that a spouse is supposed to fulfill your every single,
solitary need. True, sexual needs should be confined to the
marriage, but here on planet Earth people do rely on the day-to-day
give-and-take with others to achieve a balanced life. So no, one’s
mate does not have to be “everything” either.
Keep
cultivating your own interests and a life apart from him. Not just
that it’s good for any woman to do that, but it will make the times
without him more bearable.
As for
his sexual appetite: if you feel it becomes excessive, remember that
there are lots of ways for you to “tide him over” until you are more
in the mood. I feel it’s a dangerous game for a wife or girlfriend
to deny sex on a regular basis, especially when there’s stuff you
can do to keep your partner smiling.
I hope
this helps.
(Editor's note, to see "Happy's" follow-on question,
click here)
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