Torn
Dear Claire,
I have been married for six years, and have
been having an affair with the same woman for
nearly three years. I am currently separated
from the lover by thousands of miles, but find
myself fighting with my wife often.
I think of the other woman very often and I
love her very much. We instant message each
other as often as possible, and I have even paid
for a flight for her to come visit me. I
picture myself out of this marriage, and I
realize this is very unfair to my wife. I have
attempted to discuss the matter of our
relationship, but I give in to the crying and
stay silent for a few weeks. I love my wife,
but get more frustrated each day. We have no
children at this time and no plans to have any
in the near or far future. What advice do you
have for me?
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It seems that you are ready to make a decision
and clear up this mess. The good side of it is
that you are physically separated from your
lover for the time being, and this should make
things easier.
First, ask your lover for a break. Tell her
that you want to do the right thing and you need
to figure out what the right thing is. Don’t
communicate with her for a while. If your love
is meant to be, it’ll work out. Don’t let her
be the cause of the break up.
Second, you’ve gotta figure out where things
went wrong between you and your wife in the
first place. Why did you start an affair so
early into the marriage? Tell your wife that
you have been unhappy for some time; I doubt
she’s very happy herself. It would do you a
world of good if you guys can look for a
solution together, honestly and without
recriminations, accusations and blame. If you
have access to marriage counseling, go for it.
Should this marriage come to an end, you should
feel that you did all that was possible to save
it, and that it ended simply because the
relationship could not be mended, not because of
the interference of a third party.
Empty Nest
Dear Claire,
My mom is depressed, and we don't know how to
get her help. One by one, her kids have all
gotten married or gone to college. Now my
youngest brother announced he too will be moving
out to an apartment with some friends. Mom is
heartbroken.
Prior to my other brother’s wedding, my mom
had two anxiety attacks that required
hospitalization. My mom needs help, and I don't
know how to tell her! She feels as if everyone
has left her, but she still has my step-dad.
Trying to Help Mom
Dear Help,
Enlist your step-dad to help. He might be able
to get her to a doctor for a check-up and a
referral for treatment, as depression and
anxiety don’t go away by themselves and are
treatable. It’s not uncommon that parents
sometimes have a tough time dealing with an
empty nest. If you are able, spend time with
mom, do stuff together, cultivate a friendship
as two adults, and make it clear that you do
need her in your life. It can’t hurt.
02-050703-557
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