The World as Seen from Under His Thumb
Dear Claire,
I have been married for 20 years. I haven't
worked since my son was born 18 years ago.
My husband has always made decisions
regarding money and expenses. When I would say
something, there was a reason my idea would not
work. He never would ask how my day went, or
what I did, never. I am not high maintenance,
but I feel like someone who doesn't know who
they are, someone who cannot make a decision
other than dinner.
Finally, I said, “If you don't change, I will
leave.” He said, "I won't change, I am who I
am." I wanted counseling, but he said "no.”
If I leave him, nobody will be surprised.
But I need to know that I have tried everything.
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
Have you tried everything, or have you tried
nothing?
Don’t ask your husband to change. YOU change.
What this guy has done is to destroy your
self-confidence little by little. So, you’ll
get it back little by little. I do think that
eventually Mr. Control Freak will lose you, but
you gotta do it in the way that is best for you.
Instead of just packing up and leaving, here is
what I would do.
Get a part-time job to get started. I don’t
care what. Then go to your local junior college
or any learning institution and update your job
skills. Some places also help you write a
resume. Build up a life of your own, where you
do make decisions, where you are someone and
where what you think matters. Self-esteem and
confidence are not gifts from Heaven. They take
building up and effort.
When you feel strong again, then you’ll be in a
much better position to decide whether you want
to stay in the marriage.
Web Rage
Dear Claire,
My parent's 50th wedding anniversary is
coming up and I got their permission to create a
website to honor them. The problem is that four
out of their six kids don't want any of their
photos posted on the site (even though only
their first names would be used for protection).
I believe they don’t want to be on the site
due to "baggage" they have from all the years of
my dad being an alcoholic, and the emotional and
verbal abuse that comes with that. He's no
longer an alcoholic, but the relationships with
the other kids have not mended.
Do I build the website with a place for
everyone and then leave them off (which would
cause my parents grief because they'll know
those kids didn't want their info on the site),
or do I not make any reference to them at all?
Either way, the void will look odd.
Dutiful Daughter
Dear Dutiful,
It’s clear that the years of abuse still pain
your siblings. It’s not a surprise that they
don’t want to plaster on a smile and pretend
that everything is just dandy. If it causes
your parents grief, well so be it. There were
times in your dad’s life when alcohol was more
important than his children, and there is a
price to pay for that even after the drinking
stops. Scars don’t disappear that easily.
You could build the website and mention the
couple’s children (with their permission) and
grandchildren. Post pictures of those who wish
it and respect the grief and anger of the
others. They are entitled to it.
02-050806-580
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