Father of the Bride
Dear Claire,
I am in such a mess I don't know where to
begin. I have a daughter who’s getting
married. Her stepfather and I don't approve
because she is only 21 and he's 25.
My husband refuses to walk her down the aisle
because the ceremony is in the backyard of her
future in-laws, not in a church. We have given
her about $3,000 to pay for everything, but she
keeps asking for more. I cannot give her any
more without a fight with my husband (and by the
way, my marriage is on it's way out).
This wedding was to be small - about 125
people. Now they have invited close to 300 and
are expecting us to pay for everything. We can
well afford the wedding; it's just that she is
coming across as a spoiled rotten kid! She
yells and screams at me if she doesn't get her
way.
Recently she contacted her biological father
who didn't want anything to do with her for the
past 14 years. She invited his family, parents,
and his siblings to the wedding. I don't really
like it but was willing to put everything
behind. I spoke to him and welcomed them and
not to worry. Everything is over. I have no
feelings.
She even invited them to the rehearsal
dinner! I don't want him there, and my husband
doesn’t know they are coming. Worse: I’m
expected to pay for everything.
I just don't know what to do. I sit and cry
every night.
Mom
Dear Mom,
Let’s go over this one thing at a time.
Nobody can force you to be enthusiastic about a
marriage that you don’t approve of. However,
the attitude displayed by your husband and you
has contributed to the situation having gotten
so out of hand, and now it’s time for damage
control whenever possible.
You vs. your daughter – sit her down and explain
yourself in a calm, friendly and clear manner.
Tell it’s true that you think she’s young and
has a lot of living to do before settling down,
but that she’s also an adult and has the right
to make her own decisions. Tell her you want
her happiness and will help her out as much as
you can with the wedding.
And why on earth should you do that? Firstly,
she is over 21 and entitled to make her own
mistakes. She’ll get married anyway, so why
alienate your child? Why make the beginning of
her married life that much harder? Why alienate
your future grandkids? What could possibly be
gained from that? Besides, if you were more
involved in the wedding plans, the guest list
may not have swelled from 125 to 300. Or it
could have been scheduled in a church.
Regarding the money, help her set up a realistic
budget and scale down the list. You are under
no obligation to pay for any part of the
wedding, but if you do want to contribute more,
do it. Deal with the husband issue later. Your
greatest gift to your daughter will be your
loving support… no matter how much it costs you.
Your daughter vs. her biological father – Your
first paragraph states that your husband refuses
to walk his step-daughter down the aisle. Are
you surprised that she has contacted her dad and
invited him to everything? She needed a dad and
your husband said gave her a big, flat NO. What
would you have done? Since it looks like
bio-dad and assorted relatives will disappear
back into the woodwork once the wedding is over,
grin and bear it. Just make sure you look
wonderful for both occasions.
You vs. your husband – Even though you don’t
approve of the wedding, I have a feeling that
hubby’s attitude is grating on you. Let him
know what your intentions are regarding this
whole affair and that you won’t tolerate one pip
out of him. This is your child and by God, you
won’t place yourself out of her life. Tell him
you no longer wish to focus on your daughter’s
marriage and instead you want to focus on yours,
for better or for worse.
01-060114-700
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